Day One (b)
Another day one. I'm back. I deserve to feel better than this. I have been A LONG WAY since Day One (the original) My marriage fell apart, or became clearer, i hurt my back and it took me forever to recover, we separated, he moved out, i started a business, i learned to live on my own, i dated- a plethora of trials and tribulations there, and now I am navigating through co-parenting with my ex, cohabiting, step parenting and running my business and home! Phew! Life has been bountiful.
When I stopped going to weight watchers, I gained my weight back in about 6 months. I was a fury of binge eating, secret eating, and emotional wreckage. My marriage was over - but i couldn't bare to say the words out loud. I was emotionally starved. I was depressed, I was suicidal. I couldn't see the point of going on. I couldn't even toy with the idea that I could make it on my own. I've been fighting to stay alive all my life, I just couldn't see doing it any longer.
I came out of the closet, so to speak, about my past which included sexual abuse. The one part of my story i had refused to acknowledge up until this point. I knew in my heart it had something to do with my eating struggles, with my body image struggles and with my shame and sense of defeat. I learned very young that my needs didn't matter, and that my words, and body weren't to be respected. I lived in constant fear and anxiety. In fact, going through that alone, confronting and acknowledging the abuse, the fear, the pain, and the shame showed me that my marriage was over. I was broken. Cracked open to the core. For the first time, I was allowing myself to fall apart, to need, and to feel. My husband couldn't catch me... or he wouldn't catch me. I realized in black and white- stark cold- the reality of my situation, and the reality of our marriage. I was doing it alone. I had no one to catch me, let alone no one to nurture or inspire me.
Over the last 9 months or so, I have maintained my weight. Which for me, is a HUGE victory. I have weighed myself semi-regularly and some how kept my eating pretty in check. No HUGE binges, but not in weight loss mode either. I am ready to begin my journey again. Or continue with the next phase. My goal is 30lbs. It's a 10% weight loss. And at that time i will re-access. Maybe take a break from losing and practice maintenance for awhile. I am terrific at losing, and i am amazing at gaining... but maintenance is more tricky, and a more important skill to master!
I deserve to feel better. I feel tired and sore. I wake up sore from the weight of my belly. I hate the way i can feel my neck meeting my chin. I hate getting so sweaty- although that could be a side effect of my medication- so we'll see. I hate feeling stuffed into my body. I need a little extra room!
Last time i embarked on a weight loss journey, I hated my body. Its all i knew. I was ashamed of it. I had some hang ups around sex and intimacy. I was hiding from past sexual abuse. In the last few years i have made peace with my body. I love my body. I have truly felt each part of it- from the inside and the outside. It is amazing in what it can do for me, and others. It gave me 2 beautiful perfect children, gets me where i need to go, allows me to work and keep a roof over my head, and provides ultimate enjoyment and pleasures. I deserve to feel better. I feel beautiful and sexy and accepted by myself, and my lover. I respect my body and with that, would like to make some changes and try out a little bit lower weight. Maybe after losing 30 lbs I'll be comfortable happy and active! If so, I'll stop there! And maintain it. If not, I'll hit another 10%! My and my body will work together... no more fighting against it!
Jackie
CW 306.6
GW 275.00
When I stopped going to weight watchers, I gained my weight back in about 6 months. I was a fury of binge eating, secret eating, and emotional wreckage. My marriage was over - but i couldn't bare to say the words out loud. I was emotionally starved. I was depressed, I was suicidal. I couldn't see the point of going on. I couldn't even toy with the idea that I could make it on my own. I've been fighting to stay alive all my life, I just couldn't see doing it any longer.
I came out of the closet, so to speak, about my past which included sexual abuse. The one part of my story i had refused to acknowledge up until this point. I knew in my heart it had something to do with my eating struggles, with my body image struggles and with my shame and sense of defeat. I learned very young that my needs didn't matter, and that my words, and body weren't to be respected. I lived in constant fear and anxiety. In fact, going through that alone, confronting and acknowledging the abuse, the fear, the pain, and the shame showed me that my marriage was over. I was broken. Cracked open to the core. For the first time, I was allowing myself to fall apart, to need, and to feel. My husband couldn't catch me... or he wouldn't catch me. I realized in black and white- stark cold- the reality of my situation, and the reality of our marriage. I was doing it alone. I had no one to catch me, let alone no one to nurture or inspire me.
Over the last 9 months or so, I have maintained my weight. Which for me, is a HUGE victory. I have weighed myself semi-regularly and some how kept my eating pretty in check. No HUGE binges, but not in weight loss mode either. I am ready to begin my journey again. Or continue with the next phase. My goal is 30lbs. It's a 10% weight loss. And at that time i will re-access. Maybe take a break from losing and practice maintenance for awhile. I am terrific at losing, and i am amazing at gaining... but maintenance is more tricky, and a more important skill to master!
I deserve to feel better. I feel tired and sore. I wake up sore from the weight of my belly. I hate the way i can feel my neck meeting my chin. I hate getting so sweaty- although that could be a side effect of my medication- so we'll see. I hate feeling stuffed into my body. I need a little extra room!
Last time i embarked on a weight loss journey, I hated my body. Its all i knew. I was ashamed of it. I had some hang ups around sex and intimacy. I was hiding from past sexual abuse. In the last few years i have made peace with my body. I love my body. I have truly felt each part of it- from the inside and the outside. It is amazing in what it can do for me, and others. It gave me 2 beautiful perfect children, gets me where i need to go, allows me to work and keep a roof over my head, and provides ultimate enjoyment and pleasures. I deserve to feel better. I feel beautiful and sexy and accepted by myself, and my lover. I respect my body and with that, would like to make some changes and try out a little bit lower weight. Maybe after losing 30 lbs I'll be comfortable happy and active! If so, I'll stop there! And maintain it. If not, I'll hit another 10%! My and my body will work together... no more fighting against it!
Jackie
CW 306.6
GW 275.00
posted by Kanga_Mama_22 at 7:50 PM
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