Day 11,009

So tired of all the Day One's. This is my 11,009 Day. And the first day of my 60 Juice fast. The first 5 days I will be juice and eating fruits and vegetables and starting on day 6 it will be juicing alone.

Its 4:08 and so far so good. No coffee. No Sugar. Just fruit and vegetables and fresh fruit and vegetable juice. I expected to be in much more pain that this :)

I need to reboot my life. After watching Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead...I feel inspired to try something crazy.

Hopefully I will be documenting my journey in photos, blogs and maybe even videos. I'm ready to feel better! Whats 60 days?

Jackie
CW 318.4

Commitment to health!

I am making a small, and short term commitment to health. Everyday, for the next 4 weeks, i promise MYSELF i will walk, or exercise for 30 minutes AND eat 3 meals :)

Monday: *check*
Tuesday: *check*
Wednesday: 1.5 meals, still need to finish my pasta, silly work! and i already did 30 minutes of cardio.

After four weeks, i wonder how i will feel?

i also need something to feel proud of. This is a small thing, i KNOW i can do EVERYDAY, and it is good for ME! And i CAN DO IT! :)

Its not about weight loss, although it is a little. I am curious to see how my body reacts to this simple change.

i also havent visited herman since sunday, curious to observe the differences.

i take care of everyone else first, i dont make time to move my body, and i barely make time to eat. i wait till im starving then eat whatever is around, fast food, cereal, junk, whatever- while i feed my babies and my kids fresh produce and healthy meals, time to include me in the love! i'm worth it. how will any one else ever think i am, if i dont? that all has to change. at least for four weeks. that feels doable. hopefully by the end of four weeks, i will never look back. one day at a time.

love,
me

sunday 11/15 303.6
tired, depressed, hopeless and bloated

Womb Day

The Womb Day

Three hours in duration. The loved is greeted kindly and openly with warm blankets of all textures. Cool cucumber water in a beautiful glass. Soothing music flickers throughout the room. Piece by piece the loved's body is appreciate, adored, and massaged. Stroked and caressed, wrapped in love. finally the loved's face shoulders and scalp are celebrated. All tensions are released... the loved cries, sobs, snickers and coos. After a slow, inspired massage, the lover invited the loved into a next of pillows, where he or she cradles the loved in their arms protecting and embracing them while they slip in and out of a euphoric rest.

Day One (b)

Another day one. I'm back. I deserve to feel better than this. I have been A LONG WAY since Day One (the original) My marriage fell apart, or became clearer, i hurt my back and it took me forever to recover, we separated, he moved out, i started a business, i learned to live on my own, i dated- a plethora of trials and tribulations there, and now I am navigating through co-parenting with my ex, cohabiting, step parenting and running my business and home! Phew! Life has been bountiful.

When I stopped going to weight watchers, I gained my weight back in about 6 months. I was a fury of binge eating, secret eating, and emotional wreckage. My marriage was over - but i couldn't bare to say the words out loud. I was emotionally starved. I was depressed, I was suicidal. I couldn't see the point of going on. I couldn't even toy with the idea that I could make it on my own. I've been fighting to stay alive all my life, I just couldn't see doing it any longer.

I came out of the closet, so to speak, about my past which included sexual abuse. The one part of my story i had refused to acknowledge up until this point. I knew in my heart it had something to do with my eating struggles, with my body image struggles and with my shame and sense of defeat. I learned very young that my needs didn't matter, and that my words, and body weren't to be respected. I lived in constant fear and anxiety. In fact, going through that alone, confronting and acknowledging the abuse, the fear, the pain, and the shame showed me that my marriage was over. I was broken. Cracked open to the core. For the first time, I was allowing myself to fall apart, to need, and to feel. My husband couldn't catch me... or he wouldn't catch me. I realized in black and white- stark cold- the reality of my situation, and the reality of our marriage. I was doing it alone. I had no one to catch me, let alone no one to nurture or inspire me.

Over the last 9 months or so, I have maintained my weight. Which for me, is a HUGE victory. I have weighed myself semi-regularly and some how kept my eating pretty in check. No HUGE binges, but not in weight loss mode either. I am ready to begin my journey again. Or continue with the next phase. My goal is 30lbs. It's a 10% weight loss. And at that time i will re-access. Maybe take a break from losing and practice maintenance for awhile. I am terrific at losing, and i am amazing at gaining... but maintenance is more tricky, and a more important skill to master!

I deserve to feel better. I feel tired and sore. I wake up sore from the weight of my belly. I hate the way i can feel my neck meeting my chin. I hate getting so sweaty- although that could be a side effect of my medication- so we'll see. I hate feeling stuffed into my body. I need a little extra room!

Last time i embarked on a weight loss journey, I hated my body. Its all i knew. I was ashamed of it. I had some hang ups around sex and intimacy. I was hiding from past sexual abuse. In the last few years i have made peace with my body. I love my body. I have truly felt each part of it- from the inside and the outside. It is amazing in what it can do for me, and others. It gave me 2 beautiful perfect children, gets me where i need to go, allows me to work and keep a roof over my head, and provides ultimate enjoyment and pleasures. I deserve to feel better. I feel beautiful and sexy and accepted by myself, and my lover. I respect my body and with that, would like to make some changes and try out a little bit lower weight. Maybe after losing 30 lbs I'll be comfortable happy and active! If so, I'll stop there! And maintain it. If not, I'll hit another 10%! My and my body will work together... no more fighting against it!

Jackie

CW 306.6
GW 275.00

9.30.08

A wheat free dairy free road to feeling better?

I'm willing to give it a try.

I feel like ass.

So help me God, I will feel better!

Today

Clouds litter the morning skies. Humidity hangs in the cool morning air. Half-dried leaves rustle in the trees. A much needed break from the triple digits. The smell of fall billows past me. Such a relief and a sadness... a heaviness fills the air like hot cocoa in a cold belly. I can almost hear the lightness of summer as it dries up with each leaf, only to be replaced by something new. The endless passage of time, each day transforming into the next.

Poems I've Written since 6/19

Zen
on June 19. © All rights reserved

Transcendence,
so close- yet galaxies away
sufferings of today
I create for myself.

Answers,
I have them all
but fear consumes me and I
collapse under the possibilities.

Interrupting,
my own sacred flow
with outside nonsense
and self destructive games.

Yearning,
for where I'm heading,
yet it seems I cannot get out
of my own damn way.

Serenity,
mine when I'm ready.
It waits quietly under
the cherry blossoms in my soul.

Questioning,
What if I was really fine?
What if things would turn out great?
What if I fulfill the life I was meant to lead?

Embodied,
My heart overflows my mind,
My feet float amongst lotus petals...
Cherry blossoms landing upon my shoulders in the breeze.









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Cherry Flavored
on June 19. © All rights reserved

Sheer blue asphalt,
Bribes me for my grass,
A room full of red rubbers,
Is all that he asks.

Mild intoxication,
In a world that's grey and square,
Purple tennor bagpipes,
Guess I could dare to share.












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Silk Wrapped Stars
on June 19. © All rights reserved


She dances,
amongst the smoke-filled
galaxies, singing
songs of freedom and pixie
sticks. Swaying
to the rhythm within.
Spreading her dreams
across the night sky
for all to feel.








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Surely I Must've Told You
on June 23. © All rights reserved

Surely I must've told you,
I can be quite the bitch,
before the sun is fully awake.
I'm gonna need a latte,
and a smile, before it's safe.

Surely I must've told you,
About my special chair,
My pouting chair... say some
But really... it's mama's nest-
happiest when full of squirming baby birds.

Surely I must've told you,
I cry when I'm tired, and
overwhelmed and I've forgotten to eat.
All i need is a hug and a sandwich,
Just remind me to take a deep breath.

Surely I must've told you,
I will entertain you endlessly,
Except when I've gotten lost-
wandered into the closet of despair,
and someone has shut the door behind me.

Surely I must've told you,
I always follow the rules, live by the law.
Except when I don't agree that is.
I always wear my seat belt, while I
am driving home to twist one up.

Surely you must've known,
I'm the most beautiful contradiction.


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Chasm
on June 23. © All rights reserved

You gave me depth...
You were the inspiration,
I craved.
My midnight liquid chaos.
My drug of choice,
A nightmare I longed to have.















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Whore
on June 23. © All rights reserved

Your pretty. fake.

empty. ((eyelashes))

D e v o u r

Me.

Calling to me...

Love me... Forever&Ever

Your tainted b_e_a_u_t_y

stains my forgotten soul.

Cry your {plastic}

t
e
a
r
s...

S h a t t e r

the *stars* you snuck into my eyes,

I was already

b r o k e n


when our hearts c/o/l/l/i/d/e/d.














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Om
on June 25. © All rights reserved

Cross-legged,

I inhale.

Toes tingling,

Belly expanding,

Heart lifting.

Exhale...

letting go,

demons diminishing,

terror trickling away...

Love overcomes me.










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Poppycock
on June 26. © All rights reserved


When your tears overflow,
I'd always want you to know,
I would be right by your side,
I'd be your safe place to hide.

Look me deep in my eyes,
Don't act like those others guys,
I should feel it in your touch,
Don't make it seem like I'm asking too much.

It shows me that I don't matter,
All in all it's just mindless chatter,
You dont see me, you just look right through,
One of these days, maybe, I'll try it on you.

Take a deep breath, fall into your body,
Dont sit there so limp, acting all snotty.
I jump and spin flips just to get you to notice
Then I'm left, disappointed... to sit on my lotus.

When you say,
"I love you" from
your head and not your heart...

Your words have no meaning to me.




























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Masquerade
on June 30. © All rights reserved


her hands

grasp

my face


molten core churning


chills of lust

excite me

thrills of you

ignite me


you're delicate

and strong....as you lean in

for the first time























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Expression
on June 30. © All rights reserved

Truth,
flows raw,
from my fingertips.

Cleansing my soul,
turning boulders to sand,
to cushion my steps to freedom.







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L i l i t h
on June 30. © All rights reserved

This dragon hides
In my soul...
Permeates my being.

Scratching
at the
stitches of my sanity.

Standing guard
of my glistening heart...
Forcing you away.